August 2010

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

What is the origin of the Easter bunny and why would they be connected to eggs? It just doesn't make sense, please help me Just FAQMe!

We ought to say don't question it and just enjoy the chocolate, but that's unlikely to satisfy your FAQing appetite so we'll burrow deeper and aim to offer an egg-ceptional answer.

The Easter Bunny in fact originates from the festival's connection with the pagan goddess Eostre. Eostre (sometimes spelt Oestre) was a fertility goddess from whom we derive the word "oestrogen" and she is closely associated with fertility symbols such as eggs. The rabbit is known as a highly fertile creature (read rampant rabbit) and hence an 'obvious' choice for Easter symbolism.

Some have suggested that the Easter 'bunny' is more likely to be a hare; these are considered the sacred creatures of Eostre. This theory dates back to the ancient Egyptians who believed them to watch the moon at night. Some refute the suggestion of a 'man in the moon' and believe there is in fact a hare in the moon. Have a close look at the full moon, you'll be surprised. The 'modern' Easter Bunny appears to have originated in 16th Century Germany - the bunny was known as Oschter Haws and brought gifts of chocolate, candy and eggs to well-behaved children.

Us FAQers love the idea of a giant supernatural bunny laying billions of chocolate eggs in one night. We've learned not to question it, in case he gets wind of any disbelief and deprives us of our choccie goodies.

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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Frozen light

Hmm, looking into this favourite FAQ put us on thin ice. You see, at first, we didn't have a igloo. Still, here it is without further ado.

We found that actually, some new freezers do have lights - so nice to not receive a frosty reception. These frost-free types are great but can cost a lot of lolly. Before they were around, ice build-up was a major problem. Getting a light bulb to continue working was difficult as often they would shatter. You see condensation would form due to the potential heat. Not particularly conducive to keeping meat.

Often the contacts between the bulb and the socket would get pushed apart due to water expanding when frozen. This typically negates the usefulness of a light bulb in a freezer. It's snow joke.

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Can a thunder storm harm you while indoors?

We pondered this elemental enquiry for a while until the air turned negative. Realising we had to crack on, we have decided to strike while the ion was hot! We don't want you going off and talking to a bot!

If you're unlucky enough to have lightning directly strike your building, show no fear, be plucky, say to yourself that wasn't near!

Be heartened, that dangerous electrical current from the flash will typically travel through the wiring and/or plumbing, and then into the ground. See, don't worry, you're sound as a pound.

However, consider getting out of that sink, hot tub or shower in an urgent matter. It's best to avoid the charge; you mad hatter.

Stay away from TVs, radios, corded telephones and computers, unless you want to be forever known as Ray.

So during thunder, take these precautions to avoid being charred into chunder!

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Best TV Car?

There's a lot. KITT from Knightrider, General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky and Hutch, Smokey and the Bandits, maybe even the good ol' Reliant Robin in Only Fools and Horses, and I'm sure even more. But which is the best?!!!

A super line up here at the track today; we have a Reliant Robin on the far side, next to which is Herbie, and then KITT, Delorean, the General Lee. The Ectomobile is between the Bluesmobile and Smokey and the Bandits. Tucked in the inside we have the Starsky and Hutch's and the Mystery Machine, our honorary van. This race is going to be just car-azy!

And BANG they're off! Fast and furious start for KITT, while the Ectomobile has already given up the ghost. The Bluesmobile is cruising along behind Starsky and Hutch, looking cool but unaware they're on the wrong track.

Oh no, Smokey and the Bandits have Chitty Chitty Bang banged right off the track and are out of the running. The DeLorean has headed back to the future and is nowhere to be seen. Jinkies! The Mystery machine has stopped for a scooby snack.

What's that!? General Lee is storming ahead, leaving KITT to eat dust and in 60 seconds they are gone! Wow it car-n't be? Yes it is! - it's between Herbie and the Reliant Robin, who's going to take it??? Will it be Robin?

Neigh, Robin's foolishly tripped up and has been pipped to the post by Herbie our love bug.

Herbie the LoveBug

Image credit: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File:Herbie.jpg

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Should I drink before a date?

Perhaps a glass of wine if you're feeling anxious. Don't go overboard though.

This fella must have been very nervous...

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Who would win in a fight between Robocop and a T-800 from the Terminator films?

Most people would pick a T-800 out of instinct but I think more thought needs to be put into it.

Mission Confirmed
Boosting the main capacity couplers, spinning up the Gyros and realigning the targeting arrays.

Initialising Diagnostic Checks...
Systems Status: Bleary
Primary objectives: Reconnoitre robot resumes. Calculate combatant chances.
Secondary objectives: Avoid going to pieces and being crushed (by critique).

Reconnoitre Robotic Resumes
Characteristically, both protagonists share similar traits:
They both demonstrate dedication, determination, a fierce sense of duty and are as tough as titanium!

We have our optimistic OCP cop; Alex J. Murphy, a devout Irish Catholic, family man and top of his class in the Academy. Initially naive, he was unfortunate to lose close members and had to be cut from a new cloth.

Then there is the terrifying terminator, a remorseless, artificially intelligent machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Both adept with all kinds of weapons, can drive dramatically well (although with a complete disregard for seatbelts or even normal driving position), and an acute ability to cause carnage where ever they go.

Calculate Combatant Chances
Indeed, a tough choice to choose between these battling behemoths but at the end of the day we say you can't beat brains, human ingenuity and improvisation. It's been proven over and over, I mean, who was it that invented the damn machines in the first place eh?!

We shall leave it to our resourceful Robocop who says it best...
"Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere, there is a crime happening."
Oh gee thanks, well, that's that then. This topic has been terminated!

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If I follow through, is it a valid reason to be allowed to go home? And will I still get paid my £3.50 an hour while I am showering and changing?

Oh dear! What an unfortunate set of circumstances your excessive trumpeting has gotten you!

We don't pooh pooh your desire to get yourself home after your inadvertent but self indulgent gift of russet gussets, pebble drops and bottom chocolate. In fact we'd encourage you to run as fast as shit off a shovel!

As to whether you'll still be paid whilst showering and changing that depends on your job and your boss. If you work out in the fields then it's perfectly feasible a little more fertiliser is acceptable. If your boss protests, don't take any more of their crap!

Don't worry, we will keep your identity secret, after all, we're not stool pigeons and we don't want you down in the dump(s).

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Why is ITV's period drama, "Sharpe" based on the novels by Bernard Cornwell of the same name SO damn good?

Sharpe and his men

Sharpe Saluting

What a classically challenging question! I thank you, sir, it is pleasing to report on such an exquisite enquiry. One does indeed hold the original literature and TV series in high regard.

As you may know, Sharpe was founded in the ranks in India. Having saved the life of Sir Arthur Wellesley (1st Duke of Wellington to you and I, boy) he reluctantly became the favourite Rifle Officer we know and love, fighting in the Napoleonic wars.

A loose cannon, heroic and brilliant, he and his close band of soldiers took on impossible odds, settled debts of honour, loved luscious lascivious ladies and clashed with malicious mortal enemies.

Damn your eyes sir! YES! We do believe the TV series is SO good because it does such an excellent portrayal of those dangerous times in what were exotic, far away places of India, Portugal, Spain, France and even the Atlantic seas!

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Who is the funniest - Harry Hill or Al Murray?

A particularly complex comedy conundrum this one as we're not so familiar with these funny FAQers.

We've always wrongly believed these baldy comics were one and the same. To give our reply an air of credibility, we undertook some research. First attempts of finding Al and Harry in the search engine failed to shed any light. Indeed, the result simply posed another question 'Would Al-Quaeda Terrorists really be reading Harry Potter?' An intriguing FAQ to ponder, but not so helpful for our purposes. A search for Murray and Hill was equally failing, leading us to Murray Hill, a New York City comic 'Drag King'. We quickly hoisted up our skirts and ran for the hill(s)!

Not to be beaten by these baldy buffoons we persisted with our quest, delving into every fruit corner. Thirsty work it was too so we dived into the closest drinking establishment. Whilst slurping a quick pint - burp - we heard a commotion. Some guy with huge shirt collars was shouting "Run! You've been framed!" to some terrified customers. The pub landlord strode up to him, carrying a bowl of what looked like shark infested custard. He was giving it both barrels yelling "Oi you leave them be! My gaff, my rules!"

We had found our fugitives! For finalising the fracas and serving a fine frothy pint, we can now fortuitously say we love Al, the pub landlord! "All hale to the ale".

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If moths like lights so much why don't they come out in the day?

Moth

Image credit: http://ithoughtitup.wordpress.com

This is the Moth(er) of all FAQs, but not one we're going to get in a flap about. Having sat back and crystallised the information, we can now shed light on this FAQ and send it fluttering your way. Well, to answer the easy bit first, moths don't come out in the day as they're sleeping. It could be argued that they need all the beauty sleep they can get; still they'll never come close to gaining the glamour of the butterfly. We did wonder whether their ugliness was one reason for them being nocturnal, nature's way of protecting our eyes.

To answer the first part, it is merely an assumption that moths 'like' light. In reality, they have little capacity to favour anything, but their natural instinct is to fly towards the light. The light of the moon allows the otherwise clumsy moths to fly in a straight line. Being simple-minded lunatics they confuse lamps, candles and other lights with the moon. Another theory is that the instinct towards light is the moth's escape mechanism. Word of moth has it that it's easier to fly towards the light rather than the darkness when under duress. So during your next moth encounter, remind it that there's always light at the end of the tunnel and send it on its way.

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What is the ultimate biscuit?

Biscuits

Image credit: www.refreshmentshop.co.uk

I love biscuits, they are the perfect snack. With a cup of tea, just the one or a whole packet lol. But what is the ultimate biscuit? The one that is perfect for all and every occasion.

Well with a nice cup of tea one could argue that the rich tea is King. It has excellent tea-ability, i.e. resistance to dissolution and tea taste retention capability. In otherwords, no limp biscuits for us. To make it perfect for every occasion, indulge in the chocolate-coated variety.

Here's a joke that really takes the biscuit:

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

'FAQ off' she said, 'they're for the funeral'.

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Is it true that sharks will only attack people who are wet?

Have you ever seen a shark clambering up the beach or running down the high street? Enough said. This is generally true as typically it is only wet people who come across sharks as the oceans tend not to be too dry. We wouldn't like to test the theory though, as we can't guarantee the shark would spit us out if we launched ourselves between his jaws in a drysuit.

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Do dogs dream?

Don't think we're barking mad but dogs and humans are apparently a woofing 95% identical, both physically and genetically. We all know people who resemble their hounds and the similarity doesn't end there. Like us, dogs have the capacity to remember and store memories and with this, comes the need to purge and reorganise these in their sleep. This results in the creation of dreams. Some experts believe that our canine pals are capable of processing in the region of 500 words. To our knowledge, scientists are yet to discover the content of doggy dreams, but they're likely to include bounding after Bugs Bunny and chomping a Bonio or two. Muzzled up, this is a secret that even the doggies aren't yapping about.

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Why do I cough every time I stick a cotton bud in my right ear but not in my left?

Ear, listen up bud! We've cottoned on to what you're saying and whilst we're certainly not Doctors and have no medical background at all, in our humble opinion this is simply because you're a fool. Our view is that you should stick nothing smaller than your elbow in your ear.

This guy's taking 'ear bud' a bit too literally for our liking.

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What came first - the chicken or the egg?

It was the Chicken! Now don't give me the bird, it's true hen!

This timeless riddle has recently been unscrambled by a team of eggheads from Sheffield and Warwick Universities. They were trying to find out more about how animals make egg shell.

They consulted their top UK Science Research Council chef; HECToR, the (High End Computing Terascale Resource) super-computer.

Providing the ingredients that chickens use to make egg shells they eggsclaimed "Right, this is what chickens use - off you go and see what you can do."

After many weeks of incubation, HECToR laid out its results. Apparently, a particular protein in chickens acts as a tireless builder, placing one microscopic section of shell on top of the other.

Without this builder protein, the eggs would not exist. And yet it is only found in a chicken's ovaries. This means the bird must have come first.

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So why is the UK so damn expensive with everything?

Gordon Bennett! Compared to the United States and other countries in Europe, yes the UK has higher living costs and very high taxes (property, commercial, VAT, etc). But in the UK we're not big girls' blouses and we keep our peckers up.

The reason for the expense is that there's nowhere better in the world. Bob's your uncle. We won't prolong this by talking the hind legs off a donkey as that'll be the straw that breaks the camel's back. We're off to put the kettle on!

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What would your last meal be if you were on death row?

Now don't blame us if you start salivating and drooling all over yourself. We haven't pulled the switch yet! It's a shocking disappointment to us that at most facilities the food has to fall within a budget of £25. Positively it should be sourced locally so there's one minute ethical element in the whole sad process.

Many last meal requests are of steaks, cheeseburgers and southern fried chicken but there have been notable exceptions. Nice jar of dill pickles was it?

For us, we're finding it difficult to agree. We would like a BBQ outside in the park next to that dense forest.. Or a Sunday roast would be rather nice - beef with yorkshire puddings, or chicken with stuffing, or pork and apple sauce. Perhaps a nice buffet for one? Not our fault it's being delivered by the helicopter hovering nearby. How about a traditional English brekkie or even a meatball sub if you're close to the ocean?

You know, we'll probably die before we decide. It's bound to be a disappointment anyway, but on the plus side there'll be no bother with indigestion. That's it, we'll plump for a chinese platter with crispy duck, salt and chilli spare ribs and a good old beef curry with egg fried rice. FAQ it, make that twice!

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What is the difference in cost of petrol here in the UK to the USA?

At present the average cost of petrol in the UK is 116.5 pence per litre.

In the United States it's averaging around 38.5 pence per litre based on $2.70 a gallon.

Therefore, the difference in cost is 78 pence per litre.

As you can see from this breakdown based on 119.9 pence a litre, the main difference is due to the outrageous high taxes we're walloped with.

I couldn't show you a proper breakdown, nobody likes to see a grown man cry.

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Would you prefer it if the sky was green and the grass was blue?

Remarkably, this is actually achievable. If you were to visit the north central region of the state of Kentucky, USA you will see that bluegrass is a plenty. Time your visit to look at the horizon at sunset–exactly as the last sliver of sun disappears and you might see a flash of brilliant green blaze across the sky due to atmospheric refraction.

Seeing this means you will always be lucky in love according to an old Scottish proverb. However, if you're like me in this regard then it means you're looking at very deep thunderstorm clouds and about to get hit by large hailstones and a tornado!

Much as I would wish to be running into the arms of a lover rather than running away from the twisted embrace of a vehement vortex, knowing that Kentucky is the home of bourbon whiskey, my answer would have to be yes even though risky!

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Is it acceptable to wear polka dot everything?

1 comments I have a real penchant for wearing polka dots and I mean EVERYTHING from underwear to dress, tights, shoes, coat, hat, bag, umbrella and earrings.

The only thing I can't manage is polka dot eyeshadow - very tricky. My friends think I should grow up. What do you think?

Your new FAQer friend,
Dotty Hotty

Dear Dotty,

Did you know the polka dot pattern became fashionable in the late nineteenth century and is so named due to the popularity of the dance at the time? In 2006 it came back with panache and must have cut a dash.

Your passion for period costume should not cause you to feel re(morse) but is something to endorse. We say take no heed of your friends. Anything but the dot is rot!

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Which is better, Thunderbirds or Thundercats?

Now this really does put the cat(s) amongst the pigeons! I'm sure even International Rescue and Lion-O & Co would balk at trying to tackle this elemental mission!

However, here goes or should I say Thunder, HO...!

Having analysed this thoroughly within the confines of our FAQing lab, my conclusions will hopefully prove FAB.

It was a tough fight as you can imagine. Cats and birds don't mix very well - not only did those ferocious felines ended up getting tangled in string, the Troys kept squawking for assistance. Yup a real Snarf up!

The winner in my mind though has to be those fantastic furry fighters - Thundercats HO!

How can you compare the plastic personality of Lady Penelope versus the charms of Cheetara! mmm...ggrrrrooowwlllll...

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What shall I call my baby? I'm really confused!! help.

I would wait until the baby is born now before deciding. Have two or three names in mind and then see which one suits the baby. Either that, or ‘crab eyes’ is a seasonal favourite.

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What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

We all know the phrase – ‘send them to Coventry’. Typically meaning to ostracise or ignore them, it’s also conveniently another meaning for hell on earth - particularly if your name is Mary Bale. Try sending them there; I can’t imagine it’s any better than where you are.

However, there is also a real place called ‘Hell’ located on the Cayman Islands. This may well be where you are? If so, tell them to go to the other hell - the place of suffering in the afterlife. Or if you’re there, you may wish to send them to the Cayman Islands, although that doesn’t look too bad. They have Hell Post Office and three ‘unique’ gift shops.

Other options – simply tell them to go ‘away’ or send them ‘to bed’. Or better still, why don’t you do the moving? Leave them in Hell and you take a trip out of there.

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What is Consistent?

We believe consistent means being in harmony, in agreement, living up to what has been said or written without self contradiction.

However, if we're talking about rice pudding then consistent means that the rice is tender and the pudding is creamy!

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What's the cheapest priced bottle of wine to take to a dinner party?

How about the one your great Aunty or second Cousin gave to you for Christmas a while back? You know the one. It's still lurking somewhere at the back of the cupboard waiting for it's opportunity to underwhelm anyone that dares uncork it.

It's so old you could truthfully exclaim it was from a vintage year. Listen to those murmurs of appreciation at your generosity. In a short while all those bottles of wine will have been mixed up and the hosts will never remember who brought what.

How can it fail?

Note: Please do not attempt this with people you actually like. You may get spat upon!

If you like the people and your wine is likely to be noticed (and/or consumed by you) stoop to no lower than £4.99. Lambrini is not an option.

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Petrol station flowers or no flowers?

They mutter that it's the thought that counts but surely if they resemble this sorry example - reeking of petrol & diesel with the garage name or fuel supplier label still stuck on - your wonderful surprise will backfire big time!

That exclamation of delight and joyous embrace you're hoping for will likely turn into a smouldering and resentful ember thrown at you during any future rows where accusations of not caring are hurtfully made.

It's not worth it, get a box of chocolates instead. Hmm then again, no don't. They've probably been there since the place reopened in 2002 after a re brand and have the texture and taste of wheel nuts. Petrol stations are for petrol.

So, don't say I didn't warn you!

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Should cats wear coats?

Read the cat's eyes; although you may wish to disbelieve us, this is not a cat doing a sexy pose - do not misinterpret his expression. This is the face of a cat who is not amused, some may say it's one FAQed off cat.

Cats are born wearing cat's coats. Why would they need another?! They are not nude; the suggestion of a man-made coat merely serves to belittle their superiority complex.

Spitting furballs at the suggestion of a coat from the catwalks, they'll dig in their claws in protest. We're not being catty, feline fashion is just absurd.

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Isn't Walk the Walk just the best?

We are head over heels in love with you the wonderful Walk the Walk. You're the number one charity worthy of being FAQed.

From London to Peru, lively and dedicated walkers are sprucing and preening their bras, stomping the streets and ascending the mountains.

You've boosted our awareness of breast cancer whilst raising millions of pounds. Walk the Walk, we applaud you.

Walk the Walk Organisation

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Google Maps

Google Maps, we do adore you. Helping us to explore too.

Getting from A to B, even via C, there is no fee. Impervious to spilt drinks, we love your links. You can't be torn, I hoot my horn! Wow check out Street View, is that Paddington in Peru? Maybe not, still hot!

Google Maps, we do adore you. You give us direction for route planning perfection.

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Devon FAQing Heaven

As the UK's number one Grockle catcher, we can't but help swoon over you Devon, me luvver. You make London look northern and Bristol look like the stonking big smoke. Your homely scent of simmering cow pats and clatter of joy-ridden tractors are like the jewels in your clotted cream coated crown.

You are officially the headquarters for us coider-swigging bumpkins; the number one place to do it under a palm tree. Or indeed, on the Moor parked upon a giant chair.

It's little wonder you rhyme with Heaven. FAQing delightful Devon.

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Fish & chips

A traditional and favourite fare for a Friday. Made famous by Harry Ramsden, this fry up is a formidable hero within the world of fast food features. Fickle in its choice of sidekicks we've seen performances from the likes of the wooden fork, pickled egg, minted mushy peas, gushing gravy and not forgetting the saucy but charismatic curry.

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A proper BB Bristolian FAQer

We're rather fond of you little miss Josie, a worthy Big Brother winner in our opinion. You're the village girl who's captured our imaginations and reminded us that everything really will be ok. Until of course we have our faces ripped off by a charmless chimpanzee. Enough of John James we're here to FAQ you, Josie. And you we FAQing adore.

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Damien Hirst, you've just been FAQd

If anyone deserves a FAQing formaldehyding it's YOU Mr. Hirst. On a late stroll home from the pub we've stumbled over flattened badgers more artistic than your encased honks of dead meat. 'Away from the flock' - you've escaped from the FAQing funny farm my dear.

We heard you say "art comes from everywhere", we can name at least one place it doesn't come from Mr. Hirst and we'll leave that to your imagination.

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